Quicksand.

I am falling through quicksand and
it is too late
to save myself.
I keep looking for something to cling on to but there is nothing
nothing.
I scream at myself because this is my fault.
All
my
fault.
I willingly stepped into it because I thought I could fight it.
I thought it would be fun to test its limits and
I had so much belief in my own power and
I thought I'd be able to walk right past it because I'm strong
but I'm not.
Dear lord
I
am
not.
But it's too late.
I'm sinking and
the harder I fight it
the deeper I fall.
I know the only way to get out of it is to stop struggling
but the panic won't stop overwhelming me and I can't keep a clear head and
I
am
absurdly
enjoying
losing
myself
in this mess
and I also just want to let the quicksand swallow me whole because of my foolish
foolish mistake.
I have gained nothing from this but scars.
Scars and
overwhelming
humiliation.
I just want to let the abyss envelope me
for ever thinking I could win this pointless battle and
come out
unscathed.

Tick tock

I'm losing time for myself.

I promised myself I'd update this blog regularly and I haven't been able to do that at all.

Second semester is taking up a lot of my time and energy.

I don't understand why I've felt so exhausted these past two weeks.

It's like something invisible has been sucking the life force out of me.

Every time I get to school, I wish I was home and in bed instead, while every time I get home, I wish I was out doing something useful.

One thing I really want right now is a ticket to some place other than here.

I need a breather. I need to get away from it all.

Man, that sounds really selfish and self-serving considering how sembreak just ended two weeks ago and the semester has barely started.

But I can't help it. I feel like I'm not ready to face everything yet.

I wish I could just fast-forward to Christmas break.

I don't even know why I'm typing this post like this.

I'm starting to feel a little better though.

I wish that feeling could last much longer.

I seriously need it.

Trainwreck

(c) Berenice Griffeth

She stared at her hands, all wrinkled and unattractive. The faucet was still on and it took her a full minute before realizing she had to close it. Was this really happening? Was it all over? She grabbed a paper towel and dried her hands slowly while pacing the living room floor. All signs of their terrible fight earlier were evident. The vase they had bought together on their first anniversary, in pieces on the floor. Pieces of a relationship she knew she could never really fix. The coffee stains blemishing the rug with bruises, from the mug she had thrown at him hysterically. And the letters, oh the letters. Handwritten letters from ever since they started dating. They were both old-fashioned, hopeless romantics that way. The letters were lying all torn up and crumpled over the foyer. Letters he had destroyed right before walking out the door. That was the real slap on her face. And she knew that he knew it was a low blow. He hadn't even bothered to get his keys. It was as though he never planned on coming back. 

But he would. 

She knew he would. 

That had always been their weakness. 

After all the constant fighting and yelling and threats of leaving each other, they never did. No. She didn't know if it was because they loved each other too much or if it was because they were both cowards. Either way, she was miserable. Who was this man that had just walked out her front door? She couldn't recognize him at all.

As she sank to her knees, heaving with dry sobs that threatened to turn into rain, she caught a glimpse of one of their old photographs. It had been taken that day he surprised her with a bouquet of daffodils he had picked on a whim. They had gone to the carnival right after. Oh god, they looked so vibrant and happy. It was like looking at two different people. Her hair had been shorter, blonder and her smile had been brighter. As she fingered her now lank and untended hair, she desperately tried to remember what it felt like to smile. Looking at the photo, she couldn't help but sigh. Rob. Oh Rob. Looking as ruggedly handsome as he always had. His eyes just sparkling full of life and his strong arm looped casually around her waist. Her Rob. Now when she thought of him, all she could picture was how his eyes had changed. The calm blue that once begged to know her had now turned into a soulless and empty storm that was alive with resentment.

What on earth had happened?

She punched the floor. Once, twice, thrice. And let out her loudest scream. A scream of frustration, anger and longing. Yes, longing. Longing for the Rob she had always felt so strongly for. For the feel of his warm, gentle hands cupping her face. And the sight of his startling turquoise eyes as they gazed at her full of love.  

Then she sat there, tears streaming down her face. 

Waiting. 

Waiting for that knock on the door. 

The knock which would signal the start of another ride in their trainwreck of a relationship.

The train that ultimately led nowhere.

For they will break the boundaries of our fear.

So it's half past 2 AM right now and once again, I can't sleep. The only difference this time is I feel like writing. There are so many thoughts in my mind and I wish I could write about them all just so I don't have to think about them anymore but of course that's not really happening (whew talk about run-on sentence). I guess what I'll write about now is something a bit more interesting than the rest. ☺

All of us have this sort of plan in our heads of what we're going to do 5 years from now or 10 years or 20. We've all mapped out what we're going to be, where we're going to be and all things related to the future. You're probably thinking right now that what I'm leading to is what my plan is for the future. Well you can turn that frown upside down because that's not what I'm going to talk about. Too dull and predictable. And okay, maybe I also don't want to write it down now so I don't jinx it. Hihi. 

Now you're thinking, what could I possibly want to talk about then? Well, let me start with a question..

Every person on this planet has a dream, right? 

Yes, yes, it's a corny question but if for some reason you haven't given up on me yet then please do continue ☺

We all have our dreams. But the thing I really want to talk about is something that most people end up not talking about because of shyness or whatever other excuse comes up. 

What I want to talk about is.. Our impossible dreams.

Yep, there I said it. Impossible dreams.

Those dreams which might seem silly to other people or might even surprise them because they never considered that we could dream of such things. 

Well, it's really late and for some reason, I feel like writing down my impossible dreams. Maybe not all of them but those that are so impossible that they make me feel happy just thinking about them if that makes sense☺

This is in no particular order okay. Just whatever comes to mind at this very moment. Hmm.

First impossible dream (which I believe is shared by many) is to fly. We're all familiar with it. You know, just being able to spread your arms and soar to the heavens. Ahhh. What a dream. Truly wonderful if it could come true ☺ 

Just close your eyes and imagine for a minute that that dream wasn't impossible. You're at the edge of this really gigantic mountain and you can see the whole world below you. You spread your arms and jump off. And you're flying. Flying as free as a bird. And you feel that magnificent rush of adrenaline, power and liberation. The thrill makes you laugh out with joy. And you can see all the glory of the world below you. All the lights, sounds and people.. Just pinpricks at your feet.

Isn't it just beautiful? 

Hmm, second impossible dream. 

To be part of this big-budget Hollywood film. Oh c'mon, don't deny that you've never thought of that for one second! I mean, just think. What if you could be part of a really amazing big-budget film like let's say.. one of the Harry Potter films or Avengers or Lord of the Rings (Return of the King, since that was my favorite of the three hehe) or Mission Impossible 4 and yes you get the picture. I don't know about you but that sounds pretty amazing. Hard work I know but oh so worth it! Just seeing all that brilliance put together for a film and seeing how great it turned out on the big screen? That's already such a huge reward for me. 

And it's not just getting that one-time chance. I'm about to share something which has been kind of a secret of mine.. 

So yes, I'm quite obsessed with anything and everything connected to film! Surprising, you might say but it's very true. Over the years of reading up about facts and trivia that happen during film making and the whole process and what not, I've gained a huger appreciation for everything. And I'm just so interested! The fact that it's a very trying business but somehow, they still end up amazing people with some works of pure brilliance. It's just such a remarkable thing to me. I know that I don't know as much as I would like to but oh god, if given the opportunity to be a part of something like that.. It's really such a secret dream of mine (which is obviously not a secret anymore to whoever is reading this). Hihi ☺

Okay I kinda sidetracked right there, sorry. I just couldn't help it!

So, impossible dream number three. I guess it would be getting to spend even just a month in most, if not all (okay wow, I'm getting carried away again haha) the countries in the world! You have to admit, that dream is such a huge one but again, just think about it! What if you could spend a month in all the countries you wanted to go to? Holy guacamole. From let's say, France to Spain to Greece to Egypt to South Africa to Brazil to India to Japan and so on and so forth! Over a hundred countries out there in the world filled with all sorts of people and interesting cultures. To be able to live that dream over a lifetime would be just one of the best things in the world. I get speechless just dreaming about it. Haha.

Impossible dream four.. 

To make a huge discovery that changes the world! Vague? Hmm. Think along the lines of discovering something really big. Like.. The mystery behind the making of Stonehenge. Or finding the ruins of Atlantis (if it really did exist). Or figuring out how the pyramids of Egypt were built. Or a cure for cancer. Unspeakably huge things that would just change everything. Again, such an incredible dream right? 

Okay, I have so much more dreams in mind but I'll share just one last dream! 

Impossible dream number five.

To be fluent (as in - read, write and speak) more than 10 languages! Ugh I would feel like such a badass if that came true. Maybe it's not as impossible to other people (geniuses, spies and all those other cool people) but I mean c'mon, I've got to be realistic. Would I really be able to accomplish that? I'd like to dream so. Haha.

So that's that. I guess I better sleep now. I'll just end this post by being really predictable and saying..

What's your impossible dream? ☺

Nothing is impossible (3/3)

A few days before the weekend of the camp, I was really annoyed because I was going to miss an important org event. But then, I already promised I'd go to camp and I still wanted to anyhow.

I was nervous though. Really nervous. I didn't know how it would turn out. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make new friends. And most of all, I didn't know how to deal with the awkwardness of meeting other teenagers who already sort of knew me because of my parents. Quite a number of them would always be at our house because they had meetings with my parents concerning YFC and other things. So, of course, they would see me every time I was at home. They were friendly enough though I always stuck to my room or our family room when they'd be there. So thinking about all those things made me nervous. I was glad that my parents would be there because they had to oversee everything.

On May 11, I didn't have any class to go to (amazingly, all 3 of my classes were free cut!) so I wasn't going to be late for camp anymore like I originally thought I would be. My parents and my sister, along with the some YFC members had already gone ahead to the place where camp would be. They were going to set up and prepare everything. So I had to ride with the other participants of the camp. When I got to the meeting place, I was glad since everyone was friendly. And on the way to the camp, my initial shyness went away and I was able to talk to the other participants. To my pleasant surprise, two of the girls I talked to a lot were Augustinians! That definitely helped break the ice. 

After an hour of travel or so, we finally arrived in Oasis. I have to say, this place was just lovely. It was so clean, with a lot of trees and quaint cottages. It definitely had this serene feeling to it and I felt all my troubles go away. 

Now, I'll talk about the camp itself. Of course, I won't be able to write down every single thing that happened so I'll just talk about the highlights of the camp.

The main objective of the camp was to be able to make us participants feel the passion to serve God. All throughout the camp, we had to listen to these talks which targeted certain topics.

Talk 1: God's love and His plan for us

Talk 2: Who is Jesus Christ?

Talk 3: Repentance, Forgiveness, Healing and Faith

Talk 4: Baptism and the Holy Spirit

Talk 5: Growing in the Spirit

Now, all of these talks were beautiful and inspiring. But the talk which really struck me was the 3rd one. Repentance, Forgiveness, Healing and Faith. Why? 

Because this was what I needed to hear, even if I didn't realize it at first. 

All this time ever since I started losing myself, what I didn't realize was that this was what I needed to go through. I needed to be sorry, for all the mistakes I've done which have led to regrets. I needed to forgive, not just the people who hurt me but more importantly, myself. I needed to open myself up to healing. I needed to let go completely of those things which just brought me down and ate me up inside. And lastly, the most important of all - I needed my faith back. I needed to believe in God's amazing grace again. I needed to believe, with all of my heart, that He would never let me down nor forsake me.

This talk changed me.

I remember listening to the speaker and the sharers, and just wanting to break down right there and then. One of the sharers talked about an experience so horrible that it just broke my heart. And I was actually tearing up. The amazing thing was how he was standing there, right in front of us all, and just baring his heart and soul. I know it was one of the hardest things he had to do, considering what he had gone through. And it awed me how even through that, he found it in his heart to forgive. He forgave those who had caused him such unimaginable pain. As he was speaking, it struck me how selfish I had become. There was this guy right in front of me who had forgiven even though it was difficult. Why couldn't I do the same? Why couldn't I find it in myself to let go? And in that moment, I knew that somehow, this talk was His way of speaking to me to be strong and take that step. This was what I needed. I took that step. And it changed me. It really did. 

This sense of peace and tranquility just enveloped me. And I knew that from that point thereon, things would be better like I hoped it would be.

Of course, our camp wasn't made up of just talks. The talks were divided among the 3 days of camp we had. There were so many activities in between. The games they came up with were really fun and it made us all warm up to each other in no time. 

One of my favorite parts of the camp was when we did Praisfests. You're probably not sure what I mean but that's when you sing with all your heart to God and just praise him. Back in CSA, we used to call it "Praise & Worship". In CFC and YFC, it's simply called "Praisefest". The thing is, though I stopped being an active member of YFC in the past, I still remembered all the songs. So when they were teaching the participants, it was easier for me since I knew most of the songs. 

Our first worship was really fun but then, most of the participants were still shy. I knew I was. Though I wanted to sing and dance my heart out like the other old YFC members, I felt like it wasn't my time to yet. The next two though, were amazing. We lost all our inhibitions and just lifted everything up to Him. It was liberating. Just singing your heart out and knowing it was all for Him. Every now and then, I would peek at others and the sight that greeted me was beautiful. Every single person, even all the guys, were just singing with their arms raised to God and their eyes closed. Beautiful. There were fast songs which made you feel like you were in this concert or party and just having fun dancing. Then there were slow songs so beautiful that they could make you tear up just listening to them. It was really great.

Another thing I remember about camp was how much I cried. Haha. Won't elaborate too much on this but I can tell you, everyone did. Be it guy or girl. 

Oh, during the morning of our second day there, the YFC members (original members who were our facilitators or part of the service team; technically, participants aren't members yet) started a water fight! It was fun but unfair as well because they didn't give us participants any ammo :)) They started throwing all these huge water balloons at us and we were in our jammies! They even got out pails and buckets of water and started chasing us around the field. Haha. 

So many other memorable things happened. Maybe the best one was when they "baptized" us and welcomed us as members of YFC SB2. Oh and the night that happened, we had our E-Night as well! This was the night when all the groups (they had divided us into 4 on the first day, with both old members and new) performed, basically anything that showcased talents and well, entertained everyone. It was really fun, filled with singing and dancing performances, acting and a whole load of pickup lines and jokes. We ended around 2 in the morning, haha. 

So, I guess that pretty much sums up my youth camp experience. It was an amazing weekend and it truly changed everything for me. 

Now, I feel happier. Like I took this step in the right direction and that I'm heading down the road where I know everything's better. I mean, you might think that YFC is just this group of teenagers who talk about God all day long and just pray. But believe me, it's more than that. It's actually better than that. 

In YFC, I've met some of the most amazing people ever. People you wouldn't expect to be serving Him. And what I admire the most about them is how they have this fire burning in their hearts. They truly love God and are serving by bringing other youth closer to Him. I think, if you meet them, you'd just come across this group of people who love hanging out and who are just so funny. They make up the most random jokes yet somehow, you just know that they're really there for you if you need a friend. Okay, I sound so cheesy but it's true. Haha.

Serving God isn't lame. I mean, you don't have to start preaching all the time and forcing your opinions down everyone's throats. I don't think that's serving Him. 

The real way is just to really, truly believe in Him and His love. It is wanting to pray more and do more. It is wanting to make other people see that He really is great. It is not being afraid to stand up for what you believe in. It is putting Him first and just making yourself a better person, little by little. 

You might be wondering why the title of my post is "Nothing is impossible." Well, it's because it was the theme song of our camp. And I actually believe that it applies to me. 

I went the wrong direction a number of times but in the end, He always lead me back. And I'm here now writing this post. I'll end it with one of my favorite passages in camp ☺

"With God, all things are possible." (Romans 8:28)

Nothing is impossible (2/3)

So you may be wondering how I was convinced to go and attend camp again, willingly. 

Well, in the latter part of my fourth year in high school, I remember my mom urging me to find a way to serve God again. This was around the time when I was deciding between Ateneo and UP. Naturally, my parents were leaning towards UP (especially since it was their alma mater) but then, Ateneo truly was my dream. I couldn't decide at all. I mean, they weren't forcing me to go to UP because they also held Ateneo in high regard; but it was still such a tough decision to make. I remember praying really hard for guidance. In the end, I knew my heart belonged to Ateneo. I was nervous because I didn't know how to break it to my parents, but I mustered my courage and I did. 

I had no reason to be nervous at all. 

My parents supported my decision and were happy for me. They truly were. But then, there was one thing they wanted me to do. They wanted me to serve Him again. Of course, I agreed but then I didn't know how I could. I wasn't enthusiastic about joining YFC again because then I'd have to go through camp and in my head, that was kind of awkward since I'd already done it before. Then, there was the matter of my sister already being a member. Again, I thought it would be awkward to join since my younger sister joined first. So I tried coming up with another way. That opportunity presented itself during RecWeek in Ateneo. I came across YFC (but this was university-based) so of course, it was with different people. My parents were happy when I told them I joined YFC Ateneo.

However, to be straight to the point, it didn't really work out. I wasn't active once again. I found it hard to go to activities because of all the school work. I failed God, again. And I didn't even realize it. My parents eventually realized that it wasn't working out as well.

Now though, I realize how at those times, that's when I needed to serve God the most. From a time in fourth year high school to my whole first year in college, I needed God more than ever. Why? Because I felt empty. I felt like there was this huge chunk of me that was missing. That I had no purpose whatsoever and that my life was like this blank sheet of paper. Yes, I had my family and my friends (and that's already more than other people have) but I wasn't happy. Not completely anyway. I felt like everything I used to believe in wasn't true. Love, hope and faith? I lost those things. It may not have seemed like it but those times were some of my lowest. It felt like I was just wandering aimlessly. I didn't feel strongly about anything anymore. Simply put, I lost my passion for life.

Now there was this day when I was with my mom and my friend, Zian. We were on the way home but we stopped by Army Navy for a snack. While we were there, my mom and Zian were just talking about the usual things like family, college, etc. Then they suddenly started talking about CFC and YFC. You see, Zian had been a really active member of YFC back when she was still in La Salle Zobel. She was surprised to hear that my parents were members of CFC and even more surprised that I wasn't a member of YFC. I remember my mom looking a little sad in that moment. 

And then Zian started urging me to join. She went on and on about how I really should become a member again because of this and that. The amazing thing is, I realized that I wanted to. I really wanted to. 

In that moment, I needed something to hold on to again and something to feel passionately about again and I knew that He was the answer. 

I needed my faith back. I needed to believe that everything would be okay again and that there was someone up there who would keep me strong. So I told my mom I would and that I really meant it. I remember her raising her eyebrows but then smiling hugely. I knew she'd only believe me for sure if I really did go. And I did.

Read on to the next and last part of this post! ☺

(http://dreams-and-real-things.blogspot.com/2012/05/nothing-is-impossible-33.html)

Nothing is impossible (1/3)

This is kind of a long-overdue post but I've finally found the time to write it (read: yay for the end of summer classes)!

So, I want to write about the weekend which changed a lot of things about me ☺

May 11 - 13

This was the weekend wherein I attended YFC SB2's Youth Camp.

Before I talk about my experience though, I think I better give an introduction.

Not many people may know this but my parents have long been members of CFC or Couples For Christ. To date, they have been members for 16 years! And in those years, they have always lovingly served God. To better understand, CFC is actually an international Catholic "lay ecclesial movement" (thank you Wikipedia haha) whose main goal has always been to renew and strengthen Christian family life values.

So of course, with my parents being active members of CFC, they've always instilled in me the importance of having a strong foundation of faith in God. In fact, even when my sister and I were just kids, they already made us join KFC (or better known as Kids For Christ). Needless to say, it was a very fun experience. 

When I reached my teenage years, it was time for me to leave KFC and become a member of YFC (Youth For Christ). Again, not many people know this but I became a member of YFC back when I was just around 13 or 14 years old. We were part of a different sector at that time, which was B3. I attended camp and it was a very fulfilling experience. Till now, I can still remember some of the things which happened in that camp. 

Sadly, I gradually stopped coming to other YFC activities after camp even though I told myself I'd be active. I mean, I really did try. I attended all these household meetings and also kept in touch with the other members. But then I became too busy with school and training (with the Boosters) that I simply lost time for it. My parents kept on asking me about it and even pushing me to go to various events but eventually, they stopped as well. They were disappointed, I'm sure, but they never forced me to become active again. They understood I guess, that this was something they couldn't control anymore without making me feel annoyed. But the sad thing really was the fact that the reason I was inactive was that I lost time and frankly, interest, in serving God. 

At that time, I felt I had more important things to do.

The time came when we moved to a new house (our current home) and my parents also transferred sectors. From B3, they became members of B2. And they were also asked to become heads of the youth division for B2. I know this was a huge burden for them because it meant overseeing all the projects of YFC. And c'mon, heading a huge number of teenagers can never be easy, what with all the drama we go through. But they prayed really hard and after some time, accepted. They've been youth heads for more than two years now.

The thing is, with that responsibility with them, it also brought on some pressure. Think about it, the couple in charge of YFC SB2 taking care of all these different teenagers & leading them to serve God when their own children weren't even members of YFC (technically I sort of wasn't anymore since I became completely inactive)? That was ironic. So of course, our parents started pushing us both to become members of YFC SB2. My younger sister eventually agreed and she attended camp the same year my parents became heads for the youth. And to this date, she has happily been serving Him.

Which brings me to my experience. 

Please read my next post for part 2! ☺

(http://dreams-and-real-things.blogspot.com/2012/05/nothing-is-impossible-23.html)