Trainwreck

(c) Berenice Griffeth

She stared at her hands, all wrinkled and unattractive. The faucet was still on and it took her a full minute before realizing she had to close it. Was this really happening? Was it all over? She grabbed a paper towel and dried her hands slowly while pacing the living room floor. All signs of their terrible fight earlier were evident. The vase they had bought together on their first anniversary, in pieces on the floor. Pieces of a relationship she knew she could never really fix. The coffee stains blemishing the rug with bruises, from the mug she had thrown at him hysterically. And the letters, oh the letters. Handwritten letters from ever since they started dating. They were both old-fashioned, hopeless romantics that way. The letters were lying all torn up and crumpled over the foyer. Letters he had destroyed right before walking out the door. That was the real slap on her face. And she knew that he knew it was a low blow. He hadn't even bothered to get his keys. It was as though he never planned on coming back. 

But he would. 

She knew he would. 

That had always been their weakness. 

After all the constant fighting and yelling and threats of leaving each other, they never did. No. She didn't know if it was because they loved each other too much or if it was because they were both cowards. Either way, she was miserable. Who was this man that had just walked out her front door? She couldn't recognize him at all.

As she sank to her knees, heaving with dry sobs that threatened to turn into rain, she caught a glimpse of one of their old photographs. It had been taken that day he surprised her with a bouquet of daffodils he had picked on a whim. They had gone to the carnival right after. Oh god, they looked so vibrant and happy. It was like looking at two different people. Her hair had been shorter, blonder and her smile had been brighter. As she fingered her now lank and untended hair, she desperately tried to remember what it felt like to smile. Looking at the photo, she couldn't help but sigh. Rob. Oh Rob. Looking as ruggedly handsome as he always had. His eyes just sparkling full of life and his strong arm looped casually around her waist. Her Rob. Now when she thought of him, all she could picture was how his eyes had changed. The calm blue that once begged to know her had now turned into a soulless and empty storm that was alive with resentment.

What on earth had happened?

She punched the floor. Once, twice, thrice. And let out her loudest scream. A scream of frustration, anger and longing. Yes, longing. Longing for the Rob she had always felt so strongly for. For the feel of his warm, gentle hands cupping her face. And the sight of his startling turquoise eyes as they gazed at her full of love.  

Then she sat there, tears streaming down her face. 

Waiting. 

Waiting for that knock on the door. 

The knock which would signal the start of another ride in their trainwreck of a relationship.

The train that ultimately led nowhere.

For they will break the boundaries of our fear.

So it's half past 2 AM right now and once again, I can't sleep. The only difference this time is I feel like writing. There are so many thoughts in my mind and I wish I could write about them all just so I don't have to think about them anymore but of course that's not really happening (whew talk about run-on sentence). I guess what I'll write about now is something a bit more interesting than the rest. ☺

All of us have this sort of plan in our heads of what we're going to do 5 years from now or 10 years or 20. We've all mapped out what we're going to be, where we're going to be and all things related to the future. You're probably thinking right now that what I'm leading to is what my plan is for the future. Well you can turn that frown upside down because that's not what I'm going to talk about. Too dull and predictable. And okay, maybe I also don't want to write it down now so I don't jinx it. Hihi. 

Now you're thinking, what could I possibly want to talk about then? Well, let me start with a question..

Every person on this planet has a dream, right? 

Yes, yes, it's a corny question but if for some reason you haven't given up on me yet then please do continue ☺

We all have our dreams. But the thing I really want to talk about is something that most people end up not talking about because of shyness or whatever other excuse comes up. 

What I want to talk about is.. Our impossible dreams.

Yep, there I said it. Impossible dreams.

Those dreams which might seem silly to other people or might even surprise them because they never considered that we could dream of such things. 

Well, it's really late and for some reason, I feel like writing down my impossible dreams. Maybe not all of them but those that are so impossible that they make me feel happy just thinking about them if that makes sense☺

This is in no particular order okay. Just whatever comes to mind at this very moment. Hmm.

First impossible dream (which I believe is shared by many) is to fly. We're all familiar with it. You know, just being able to spread your arms and soar to the heavens. Ahhh. What a dream. Truly wonderful if it could come true ☺ 

Just close your eyes and imagine for a minute that that dream wasn't impossible. You're at the edge of this really gigantic mountain and you can see the whole world below you. You spread your arms and jump off. And you're flying. Flying as free as a bird. And you feel that magnificent rush of adrenaline, power and liberation. The thrill makes you laugh out with joy. And you can see all the glory of the world below you. All the lights, sounds and people.. Just pinpricks at your feet.

Isn't it just beautiful? 

Hmm, second impossible dream. 

To be part of this big-budget Hollywood film. Oh c'mon, don't deny that you've never thought of that for one second! I mean, just think. What if you could be part of a really amazing big-budget film like let's say.. one of the Harry Potter films or Avengers or Lord of the Rings (Return of the King, since that was my favorite of the three hehe) or Mission Impossible 4 and yes you get the picture. I don't know about you but that sounds pretty amazing. Hard work I know but oh so worth it! Just seeing all that brilliance put together for a film and seeing how great it turned out on the big screen? That's already such a huge reward for me. 

And it's not just getting that one-time chance. I'm about to share something which has been kind of a secret of mine.. 

So yes, I'm quite obsessed with anything and everything connected to film! Surprising, you might say but it's very true. Over the years of reading up about facts and trivia that happen during film making and the whole process and what not, I've gained a huger appreciation for everything. And I'm just so interested! The fact that it's a very trying business but somehow, they still end up amazing people with some works of pure brilliance. It's just such a remarkable thing to me. I know that I don't know as much as I would like to but oh god, if given the opportunity to be a part of something like that.. It's really such a secret dream of mine (which is obviously not a secret anymore to whoever is reading this). Hihi ☺

Okay I kinda sidetracked right there, sorry. I just couldn't help it!

So, impossible dream number three. I guess it would be getting to spend even just a month in most, if not all (okay wow, I'm getting carried away again haha) the countries in the world! You have to admit, that dream is such a huge one but again, just think about it! What if you could spend a month in all the countries you wanted to go to? Holy guacamole. From let's say, France to Spain to Greece to Egypt to South Africa to Brazil to India to Japan and so on and so forth! Over a hundred countries out there in the world filled with all sorts of people and interesting cultures. To be able to live that dream over a lifetime would be just one of the best things in the world. I get speechless just dreaming about it. Haha.

Impossible dream four.. 

To make a huge discovery that changes the world! Vague? Hmm. Think along the lines of discovering something really big. Like.. The mystery behind the making of Stonehenge. Or finding the ruins of Atlantis (if it really did exist). Or figuring out how the pyramids of Egypt were built. Or a cure for cancer. Unspeakably huge things that would just change everything. Again, such an incredible dream right? 

Okay, I have so much more dreams in mind but I'll share just one last dream! 

Impossible dream number five.

To be fluent (as in - read, write and speak) more than 10 languages! Ugh I would feel like such a badass if that came true. Maybe it's not as impossible to other people (geniuses, spies and all those other cool people) but I mean c'mon, I've got to be realistic. Would I really be able to accomplish that? I'd like to dream so. Haha.

So that's that. I guess I better sleep now. I'll just end this post by being really predictable and saying..

What's your impossible dream? ☺